The Rubbish Parent

Act One

Scene One

(The entertainment venue at a holiday park in deepest, darkest, flatest Suffolk. An unruly gaggle of pre-school children are sitting on mats in front of a stage, waiting for the entertainment to begin. Their parents are seated on chairs behind them, hissing to their offspring to behave. Enter Neil, the children's entertainer who has clearly fallen on hard times. He walks across the stage in a manner reminiscent of Fotherington Thomas, and speaks in a slow, deliberate voice as if trying to convey essential information to the mentally bewildered.)

Neil: Good morning boys and girls and big people. Do you know who I am?

(SILENCE)

Neil: Oh dear. I'm Neil? From Rosie and Jim? (Breaks into song) Rosie and Jim, Rosie and Jim, Rosie and Jim on the old Ragdoll, Rosie and Jim, Rosie and Jim and Neil who sings the songs.

(Children fidget, parents look around nervously, Neil looks flustered)

Alex: I've got a dinosaur in my bedroom.

Vicky: Is Maisy Mouse coming now?

Neil: Well, Rosie and Jim haven't been on the television for a while now, but I'm Neil and I sing the songs with Rosie and Jim and today I'm going to sing some songs for you. Perhaps one of the boys and girls would like to choose a song for us to sing.

(Lots of the children put their hands up)

Wayne: Can you sing the Vindaloo song?

Neil: Well, I'm not sure that the big people will know the words for that one, perhaps we could start with Old MacDonald instead.

(Neil leads the children in several verses of Old MacDonald, during which the children prompt him with the animals to be included in each verse. These include a cow, a pig, a gerbil and a corn snake. He follows this by reading a story from a Rosie and Jim book. The children, who have realised by now that Rosie and Jim, whoever they are, will not be making a personal appearance, lose interest and start to squabble with each other. Several have to be separated after coming to blows over squatting rights on the mats that they are sitting on. Neil carries on bravely. The parents pray for a swift ending.)

Neil: What a lovely story. Shall we do some more singing? Would some of the girls and boys like to come up here on the stage and sing a song with me?

(General disinterest amongst the children as four of them, including Jess, are escorted to the stage.)

Neil: Do we all know the words to Baa Baa Black Sheep? We do? Let's see if the girls and boys up here on the stage can sing it for us shall we?

(Neil strikes up the tune on his guitar, as his trusty assistant crouches in front of the chidlren, microphone at the ready)

Child 1: Baa baa black sheep

Child 2: Have you any wool

Jess: No.

Neil: No?

Jess: No. No wool today. All the wool is gone. Can I have a smiley face biscuit please?

.....

... and yes, she did eat all of it.

I should have learned from the pedallo experience.

Today we are mostly capturing ships.

Never pedallo with a person of reduced stature.

Look at me! Extreme train surfing!